By Mairi Kants (Sarah Maryam)

“Whoever Allah wills to guide, He opens their heart to Islam”

Quran 6:125

My name is Mairi @ Sarah Maryam. I am an Estonian living in Singapore, and with His Guidance, I embraced Islam on 24 Feb 2019 when I declared the Shahada (declaration of faith), after many years of soul-searching after eventually discovering Islam. The day I took the Shahadah was a day full of joy and peace. There are not enough words to express how grateful I am to Allah ﷻ for choosing and guiding me to Islam. All praise is due to Him, Alhamdulillah.

I was born into a family of five; I am the youngest of all and have two elder sisters. Even though my parents were not very religious as nominal Lutheran Christians, they decided to follow the traditions, and all of us were baptized after birth. Lutherans are Christians, but what makes Lutherans distinct from the rest of the Christian community is their approach towards God’s grace and salvation. Lutherans believe that humans are saved from sins by God’s grace alone through their faith and do not require the intervention of priests to seek God’s grace or forgiveness.

During my primary school, I attended religious classes to learn more about Christianity. I attended these classes for a few years but did not develop the love or passion towards the practice of the religion hence eventually stopped going to Sunday classes. Even though I wasn’t a practicing Christian, I have always believed in God.

Whenever I faced any hardship or was feeling sad, I would turn to God and speak to Him as if He was listening to me. I would complain to Him and asked for guidance and forgiveness. Speaking to Him in such a manner gave me peace, albeit temporary. I knew something was missing but I could not figure out what. As I look back at those days, I know now what was missing and I am grateful that Allah ﷻ guided me to Islam, the missing part of my life.

As I felt that emptiness in my heart, I continued to search for a higher purpose in life and peace through other spiritual practices like mindfulness and meditation. I was even researching other religions like Buddhism, Hinduism and New Age movement, but did not consider Islam, as it was not wide spread in Estonia (only ~1500 Muslims making it 0.14% of the population in Estonia). However, Islam came a bit closer to my life when my eldest sister got married to a man from Iran. Over the years, I met many of his family members and one thing that really stood out, was their hospitality. They were always very caring and sincere towards their guests. By observing them, I started to think that Islam cannot be so oppressive as what the media portrayed. Unfortunately, it still did not push me to research more about Islam yet.

In my 20’s, I saw a dream about a book. I did not pay much attention to this dream until sometime later, in 2015, I came across a book in a bookstore which was strikingly similar to the one in my dream. That book revived the memory from my dream again as it looked exactly like the one that I had dreamt of. I decided to take a look and was very shocked when I saw the title. It spelt “Koraan”, which also means “Quran”. It was supposedly the first translation of the Quran in the Estonian language. I was terrified, but curious enough to take a closer look. I glanced through the book but did not buy it. I believe it was a sign from God which I realised only after I embraced Islam many years later.

AS TIME PASSED BY, I WAS STILL HAVING THIS VOID IN MY HEART, THAT I AM MISSING OUT A HIGHER PURPOSE IN LIFE.

My soul-search brought me to Singapore, where I was more exposed to Islam and Muslims on a daily basis, mostly thanks to my colleagues. Working in a multi-national company, I learnt more about different cultures and religions from colleagues and it opened up my heart.

I was especially curious about Islam, as this was the first time in my life, when I was able to ask questions about the religion, Islam in particular, without having the fear of being judged.

In early 2018, I was informed about the Muslim Converts Association of Singapore (MCAS). My friend suggested to visit this center if I wanted to learn more about Islam. At that time, I acknowledged that information but I wasn’t ready to go there yet. It was until the moment, when I felt very lost and unsure about my life that I decided to check it out. It finally happened one weekend in July 2018 that I went to MCAS and attended the Knowing Islam Session. It was very convenient, as no registration was required as I made a spontaneous decision. From that session, I learnt that Islam is a religion of peace, mercy and forgiveness and it does not condone injustice and vices. It was the way I thought life should be. However, I was not able to experience it through the spiritual practices I was following. Attending that session changed my life, as it opened my heart to Islam. I acknowledged that if I am looking for peace, then I have to search it through Islam. But at the same time, I was also confused. I had so many questions in my head, e.g. what will happen if I convert? Will my parents accept my conversion? How am I going to tell them about it? What will my friends think? What if I have to go back to Estonia, can I practice Islam and so on… Despite all these questions, I decided to continue to learn about Islam slowly, as there was no reason to rush and conversion must be a well-considered decision.

I continued with a “Beginners Course in Islam” few months later. This course cleared most of the confusion and misconceptions I had about Islam. Confusion comes due to lack of knowledge together with inaccurate information that result in misconceptions. I learnt about seven conditions of Shahada, which are: knowledge, certainty, acceptance, submission & obedience, truthfulness, sincerity and love. Even though these are conditions for Shahada, the same can be applied in almost every area of life. Before deciding to embrace Islam, one should acquire sufficient knowledge to become certain in her/his decision to accept the religion. There is no compulsion in religion, but knowledge is a key to accept or reject. As I continued to learn about five pillars of Islam and the six articles of faith, I entered a second phase of certainty. Although I felt that Islam was right for me, the voice in my head kept hymning the ‘What if’ questions, which were not totally eliminated.

After I completed the beginners course, I signed up for a Prayer (Solat) Tutorial. Prayer class was the most difficult, because there were so many things to remember and to memorise. It was suddenly very overwhelming and I almost felt like I won’t be able to do it for it seemed too difficult. However, God will not leave me alone. I was encouraged by many sisters not to worry and that everything will fall into place once I start praying. As they say, practice makes perfect. After I completed the prayer class, I decided to fix the appointment for my Shahadah conversion, as I felt that there were no more reasons to delay further. Deep in my heart, I knew that I was ready.

While waiting for my conversion appointment, I attended an in-house talk at Darul Arqam. When I was on my way to that event, I was hoping for a friend who could introduce me to other converts to widen my circle of Muslim friends and to exchange advise from fellow converts. With that thought, I had actually made supplication to Allah and He answered me, immediately. I met a special lady, Marilyn, on that evening, who became my very good friend. She also became the bridge between me and other converts. She introduced me to groups such as the Euro MNC group & WOW (Women of the World). Marilyn invited me to attend a WOW event together just one day before my conversion and I managed to meet so many Muslim sisters where I received an overwhelming amount of support and prayers from for my special day.

And on 24th February 2019, I took my Shahadah. A total new chapter of my life began from that moment and my life has never been the same. It was THE BEST decision I have ever made in my life. Allah guided me to what I was looking for – the true purpose of life.

The biggest blessing in life – to be guided by our Creator – La Ilaha Illa Allah. Alhamdulillah

إِنَّكَ لَا تَهْدِى مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ وَلَـٰكِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَهْدِى مَن يَشَآءُ ۚ وَهُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِٱلْمُهْتَدِينَ ٥٦

You surely cannot guide whoever you like ˹O Prophet˺, but it is Allah Who guides whoever He wills, and He knows best who are ˹fit to be˺ guided.

Quran 28:56

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