By Rita Gupta Abdullah

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease [i.e., relief].”
Quran 94:5

I used to think that the above verse meant that after hard times, my good days will come and I do not have to deal with any problems ever again – I could not be more wrong.

I did not pray and religion was not a part of my life even though I was raised a Hindu. I had everything which came so easily for me. Family, a good education, friends, job, car, house, living in a first world nation. I went on holidays and could afford many luxuries. I married in my twenties and I planned to have my first child at a specific age and specifically wanted my child to be born in August, my birthday month. Indeed, the gynae informed me that my son was due on my birthday. Everything went exactly as I planned albeit the gender – I wanted a girl. I was living my best life – living my life as if I was immortal , never thinking that anything bad may ever befall me.

During my pregnancy, one night, I dreamt of the ka’bah. I woke up, with a strangest feeling. “Why the ka’bah of all things ?” I wondered. I was very troubled. I read about the ka’bah on the internet and one Sunday, I went to Darul Arqam to attend a one-time session to get insights on Islam. I purchased an English translation of the Quran at the bookshop. At home, I flipped through the pages. Though I did not understand what I was reading, I felt very drawn to the Quran. I went online to listen to the azan and read more about Islam.

I had a very easy delivery. However, my bliss of motherhood was cut short when marital problems soon cropped up. I had tried speaking to my then husband about Islam. I thought he would be open to it as he is an Indonesian Indian from Jakarta. However, he was vehemently against it and soon, I faced wrath from all other family members. Matters worsened and my husband and in-laws took my son away from me and refused to allow me to care for him. By the grace of God, I found a chance to see my son, held him firmly in my arms and ran away. I took leave from work, stayed at a hotel while deciding my next move, eventually moving to my mother’s. Although I did not know how to pray, but I would just call out to The Almighty to help me. I was simply very drawn to Islam. So reality soon hit me – I realised I had to choose between my marriage and the best life I had built or Islam. In a heartbeat, I lost everything.

I embraced Islam, went through a very acrimonious divorce. I was insulted, cursed, humiliated. Undaunted, I went for lessons at Darul Arqam. Although I was under so much stress and struggling to rebuild my life, I learnt to pray. I was awarded custody of my son. I was really enjoying learning about Islam but I was also struggling to raise my son as a Muslim and understanding the concepts of Islam especially putting unconditional trust in The Almighty. After learning the obligatory prayers, I continued with a sunnah prayers course. I woke up at 3am everyday to perform tahajjud. I remembered crying and beseeching the Almighty to help and guide me as I was so alone, lost and confused. I did not understand why salah consisted of the different positions like sujood and ruku’. I did not pray 5 times a day as I centered my salah around my activities and not vice versa. I felt that I was simply following the techniques of praying but I had not formed a connection with Allah s.w.t. Though I recited the Shahadah and went for classes but did I truly understand what Islam is? Do I truly put unconditional trust and belief in HIM?

I had another dream after Tahajjud – a strange dream of a bus which I decided to ignore only to recall it many months later. This dream marked the beginning of many ‘lessons’. Soon after the dream, my son and I met with a horrific road accident. We were hit by a bus. I slipped into a coma and doctors informed my family that I would not make it.

HOWEVER, THE END OF LIFE IS DETERMINED BY ALLAH S.W.T ALONE – THAT NO MAN ON EARTH WILL DIE BEFORE THEIR APPOINTED TIME.

I survived, eventually woke up from my coma and soon began my son’s and my arduous journey of recovery. When I woke up, I could not speak nor move. I heard the beeping of the machines, the chatter of the nurses. I felt that it was chaotic. A tear fell off the corner of my eye. I knew that I was in the hospital. I was alive but I did not want to be there. I wanted the ‘other world’ – the world I had just seen and been to, before I woke up. Where did it go?

My surgeon came. He said, “We thought you won’t make it. Your survival is a miracle. You are lucky to be alive.” I stared at him. I did not feel lucky to be alive.

My first visitor was my sister. She immediately told me that my son was okay and he had been discharged from the hospital. But he kept asking for me and they could not bring him to see me as she did not want to further traumatize him. She needed me to quickly get better, get off the machines and be presentable enough for my son to see me. I heard what I needed to. But my heart was broken. I felt rejected that the Almighty did not want me. Why did HE bring me to HIS beautiful place when I was in the coma but did not allow me to stay there? HE allowed me to experience the peace and tranquility of HIS world only to bring me back to the chaos of this dunya. But I knew my son needs me. I lamented my fate then. Why didn’t HE just take the two of us away from this dunya?

I was more confused and lost after my coma. I recalled vividly every experience of my coma. I was in a dark place and I could not move. I remember being very scared. The fear was unlike anything I ever felt. I perhaps thought I was in my grave. Then I felt myself floating. It was still dark but I was not so scared. I heard the voices of my late father and uncle. They were calling out to me. I could hear them but not see them. I did not respond to their calls. Then there was a bright light. I remember just walking closer and closer to the light. Then certain ‘entities’ held both my left and right hands and pulled me. I saw the ‘entities’, but I can never describe them. They walked with me into a beautiful place. The peace I felt was unlike any. I felt no sorrow. Just simply pure bliss and peace. I remembered smiling and thanking Allah s.w.t. That was when I woke up to the ‘chaos’.

Soon, my son and I were reunited but we entered into a silent world. Neither of us talked or even smiled. We were just too traumatised. Soon a legal notice came. His father wanted to fight for custody. I called out to Allah s.w.t while bedridden. I progressed to a wheelchair and started my salah again. I was then blessed with a strange inner strength though my body, heart, spirit was broken. With this newfound inner strength, I started to handle all the multiple issues – stabilizing my son, pitting him back in school, healing from our physical injuries, got a lawyer, attended numerous court sessions, went for numerous hospital appointments and therapies and tried to facilitate myself back to work. It was the toughest few years of my life even for my son. I never gave up on my salah and my tahajjud. I was getting my dreams, but I could not understand them so I was still stuck. I was in despair. I did not know how to handle all these issues while having sustained internal injuries and was in constant pain. I beseeched the Almighty to bless me with the wisdom to understand His dreams and signs so I could move forward. Alhamdullilah HE responded to me. Eventually, I discovered the power of my duas. I interpreted my dreams and used them to guide my way through my problems and developed a very powerful gut instinct. I slowly understood the verse – with difficulty, comes ease. Through all our difficulties, I was given the ease of handling them. Though we sustained horrific injuries in the accident, it has also given us immunity that no one can separate my son and me except for the Almighty. I was tested in many ways – loss of health, wealth, family but in all my difficulties, the Almighty gave me the ease of settling the issues.

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَىْءٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْخَوْفِ وَٱلْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْأَمْوَٰلِ وَٱلْأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٰتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ ١٥٥

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.
Quran 2:155

In fact, though I lost my spleen and a kidney, I am grateful that despite losing these organs, I am still able to live an almost functional life. Though my son and I may never heal completely, I have learned to put the Almighty in charge of my affairs.

Will problems ever end? Well, my son started secondary one last year and a few weeks into the school term, he was bullied for his scars – the scars he sustained in the accident. He refused to go to school for a few months. After staying strong for so long, I was again broken hearted and became weak. Will we never be able to move on? I questioned my decision to choose Islam as my religion . Did I make a mistake? My life was so easy before but why am I facing issues continuously with no end in sight. Will my son and I ever get a chance to have a normal life? Luckily, I had Ustaz Sameer to put things into perspective for me. I affirm that things has happened according to HIS plans and I finally forgave myself for my son’s scars, that the accident had been beyond my control.

I performed my Umrah in December 2023. As my eyes fell on the ka’bah for the first time, I realized that after having handled the toughest issues, that nothing had ever been a real problem. There are people in the world dealing with real problems – no food, no home, no jobs. Here I am blessed with so much. Though I longed very much to go back to the place I had seen in my coma, I realised that I should be grateful for being given the chance to learn Islam and establish my relationship with Allah swt. If I had died in the accident, I would not have had the chance. I truly have come a long way. Now I cry during salah because I know what I am reciting and I am truly affirming my Lord. I downgraded my life and detached myself from this lowly world. I still have so much to learn. I am hungry for knowledge so I devour as many books on Islam as I can. I try to keep my life simple and to remind myself to be grateful for everything. I may die anytime so I want to keep my tongue moist with the remembrance of Allah swt. I enjoy my isolation and talk less with people. Since the coma, I have very enthralled with the moon. So every full moon, I will sit outside and stare at it. It gives me incredible tranquility and peace and I just feel the closest to the ‘other world’. I thanked the Almighty for blessing me with so many difficulties. I will always have problems. They will never end but I am assured to know that I will always be given the ease of handling the issues.

Years ago, I had dreamt of the ka’bah and now as I look at it in person, I made a silent whisper thanking the Almighty for blessing me with so many trials and gifting me with so much pain. I am living my best life.

I finally understand…