By Nurul Ain Bte Hairi

The first thing that comes to mind when I look back on this retreat is the deep gratitude I have towards Allah ﷻ.

He opened the doors to what I had been praying for all along. This Muharram Retreat felt like the perfect restart to my journey as a seeker of knowledge.

For the past three years, I had been caught up with worldly matters, always telling myself that one day, I would fix my schedule around activities dedicated to Allah ﷻ, but that “one day” kept getting delayed.

I was stuck in a spiral of “When will you take that first step?” and “Why is it so hard for you to make time for Allah ﷻ?”

The feeling of uneasiness and emptiness just grew heavier with time. This retreat became the moment I had been longing for. The moment Allah ﷻ finally allowed me to pause, to return, and to truly feel at home with Him again. It was the gentle push I needed to overcome the excuses and finally take that first real step back to Him.

Everything started to fall into place once I began prioritising my time for Allah ﷻ. After graduation, my friend Diyanah and I finally decided to take that first step of attending classes regularly.

It felt perfectly timed because on our very first day back, Ustaz Sameer shared about this Muharram KL retreat. As fresh graduates, we both initially thought we wouldn’t be able to attend due to limited funds, even though deep down, our hearts were yearning to be part of it. We made du’a, placing our hopes in Allah ﷻ.

Syukr Alhamdulillah, He opened the doors for us in ways we couldn’t have imagined, and we were able to go for the retreat after all.

In my title, “The Balcony Dialogues.” Why that name, you may ask? During this retreat, I have had so many moments of reflection on the balcony, sometimes alone with my thoughts, sometimes with Diyanah, and even a few times with other sisters.

Those conversations overlooking the scenic view became moments of honesty and vulnerability, where we shared our struggles and reminded each other of Allah’s Mercy.

A saying that stuck to me from a conversation I had with Diyanah was that in order to truly attain closeness to Allah ﷻ, I first needed to overcome myself, all the procrastination, the excuses, and the distractions of this dunya.

The retreat reminded me that growth only happens when we’re willing to go through the discomfort of change to fight our inner demons. Every small step taken closer to Allah ﷻ, He will indeed reward you with something greater.

This retreat has been the most significant out of all the holidays or short getaways I have ever experienced in my life. It was my first proper disconnection from all the worldly matters back home. For the first time, I allowed myself to sit in a state of deep vulnerability and truly take the time to reflect on Allah’s Mercy.

After the very first lesson, I was introduced to muraqabah and an intense dhikr session. Never in my life had I felt such an immense sense of reconnection with my heart and soul. It felt as though my heart was being cleansed and filled with remembrance, gratitude, and love for our Creator.

The weight of my worries, problems, and worldly concerns felt so much lighter through muraqabah and dhikr, as if a heavy burden had finally been lifted.

My tears began to flow uncontrollably, and I wasn’t sure why I
couldn’t stop crying. That very night, after the first day of lessons, I experienced something I will never forget.

On the way back to our townhouse from Nur Innai Bookstore where we had our class, I started to hear a soft, echoey voice repeatedly saying “Allah”. At first, I thought it was coming from my prayer app that sounds out loud at prayer times, but it wasn’t.

I continued hearing it all the way until the last day of the retreat, after visiting the makam. Until today, I still ponder about that moment, why did I experience it? Was it meant to remind me of something?

Yet, I never felt disturbed by it. Instead, all I felt was a deep sense of calmness and curiosity, as if my heart knew it was finally at peace, a kind of solitude and stillness that I had been longing for.

Everyone whom I met during this retreat were one of the greatest blessings of this retreat. They reminded me of the beauty of the ummah, and how Allah ﷻ uses people as mirrors to reflect His Nur.

A self reflection that comes to mind when I think of this circle is:

Through them, I see Him.
Through them, I seek Him.
Through them, I thank Him.
Through them, I attain Him.

With their sincere supportiveness, guidance, and their love for Allah ﷻ sparked my own path back to Him.

To conclude, this retreat was more than just a trip. It became my “balcony dialogues,” the quiet conversations with Allah ﷻ where I admitted my flaws and turned to Him for His mercy.

May Allah ﷻ keep this heart steadfast, surround me with companions who bring me closer to Him, and never let me forget this feeling of homecoming to the One and only Creator.

Do You Believe in One God
& Ready to [Re]start your Journey of Faith & Gratitude as a Muslim?