By Neha Narah Singh @ Nurun Nuha Singh

Ustaz: “By the way, we need your New Muslim's Diary too.”
Me: “My story has yet to end. The climax is pending.”
Ustaz: “The opening is pending.”

I want to begin by stating that I love my family and loved ones so much. The accounts mentioned in my story are not to vilify them in any way.

They are humans and are entitled to their own feelings for they too are shareholders in these situations. They are entitled to their truth and I strive to write this in a manner that is fair and just.

My family and loved ones if you are reading this:

I love you and please forgive me for my shortcomings.

Assalamualaikum, my name is Neha. At the point of writing this, I am 24 years old and working as an Early Intervention (EI) Educator for children with special needs.

My journey discovering Islam started in my teenage years, oddly because of Islamophobia. This was the period when Donald Trump was running for president for the first time and the world was Islamophobic.

Mainstream media fed Islamophobia content and that in return fed my father’s confirmation bias. He didn’t have good experiences with Muslims growing up and often called them hypocrites and liars. Naturally, with the rise of Islamophobia in the media, my father also grew more Islamophobic.

So whenever my father made horrible remarks about Muslims, the religion or the Prophet Muhammed ﷺ, I would feel angry. I would feel my ears getting warm and would find a way to be as far away from my father as possible.

I knew in my heart that what he was saying was false and would do my own readings online about the religion. Back then, I was acquainted with a Muslim, and would often clarify my doubts with him. Sadly, he never answered my questions. The answer I usually get from him is somewhere along the lines of, “We don’t ask so many questions, we just follow.” So I stopped questioning.

Initially I swore never to date Muslims, because I thought I would never convert and be a Muslim. But in 2021, I met this guy and just from his name, I knew he was Muslim. I gave it a chance and went for it anyway. We clicked almost instantly and talked a lot about Islam. He shared that he had a past and was not very practising, but was trying his best to return. It was so beautiful to see him try his best to improve and I could learn in the process too.

Whenever I had questions, he would gently provide me the reason or if he didn’t know he would suggest we find out together.

I wanted to be a part of his journey to be a better Muslim. I downloaded MuslimPro on my phone to learn the different prayer times and carried a prayer mat with me to remind him to pray whenever we were out.

I guess this was my way of trying to assimilate myself into the practices of the religion. I picked up a few words too, I started using “Alhamdulillah”, “MasyaAllah” and “InsyaAllah” in my conversations with him and his friends. I felt really good and safe.

One day, we both went to Wardah Books for the first time. We were looking for the book “Migo and Ali” for his nephew and naturally, he told me that if I felt inclined towards any book, I should get it and he would pay for it.

So I browsed the shelves with no intention of getting a book when the store owner approached me and asked if I needed help. I asked what he recommends for someone exploring Islam and he suggested “A Thinking Person’s Guide to Islam”. I instantly knew I had to get it.

Reading the book became my favourite part of the day. As time went on, I knew in my heart I was happy to convert once we got married.

However, my world came crumbling down the night we broke up. I felt so empty and lost. I was looking forward to being a Muslim after marriage and I felt that that door slammed shut on me that night. Or so I thought.

Beginning

Heartbroken; grieving the loss of someone whom I thought was my endgame; and confused about my spirituality—I spent so many nights crying alone, crying to my best friends. I still felt so empty. I knew I needed something more to feel comfortable. I knew I needed Allah ﷻ, but how?

Eidul Fitr’22 was around the corner—I saw a video on TikTok by Converts Central and was intrigued. I clicked on their Instagram page and saw a post promoting their CC Eid event. I really wanted to go but I had no Muslim friends to follow me, so I did the next best thing and asked my very Christian friend, W, to follow me.

The day of the event came and we were very anxious. W even studied the five pillars of Islam—he was more prepared than me, masyaAllah! We were hosted so well, you could feel the love for the community in the air.

I made friends with some of the girls and quickly felt at home. What struck me that day was the fact that everyone there was in my age group and the converts there embraced Islam on their own with no partners. Allah ﷻ truly wanted me to see that I could do it and that I was not alone. Being there gave me the strength to take a leap of faith—to take on the journey of being a Muslim.

Allah ﷻ gave me friends who understood my worry about my father finding out; friends who understood the pain I felt grieving; and friends who guided me in my baby steps towards being a Muslim.

Ascend

Do people think once they say, ‘We believe”, that they will be left without being put to the test?
Quran (29:2)

I started practising Islam in June 2022 and was quickly tested.

In my first year:

I told my three older sisters immediately about my decision to practise Islam, and they warned me of the burden I would bring to the family once my father found out. I assured them that I knew the consequences but they deemed me selfish. My relationship with my sisters was strained from then, some more than others.

In July 2022, I had to tell my mother that I am a Muslim. She was cleaning my room one day and found my prayer garment. Innocently, she put it on and walked out of the room to ask my eldest sister what it was. “Raincoat”, my sister said, trying to protect me. My mother accepted.

I needed to tell my mother the truth. I love my mother so much I cannot lie to her any longer. So that evening I came back from work, sat her down in my room and told her the truth. She didn't take it too well and called me selfish, saying that she was disappointed in me.

My mother took a while to come to terms with my decisions but she was mostly terrified of the turmoil to come once my father found out. A week later, she was talking to my sisters about it, crying from the stress and eventually fainted. I found out while I was at work but I knew I couldn't do anything for I was the cause. My relationship with my first 2 sisters strained even more that day.

A week after I was preparing to head out, it was just my mother and I at home. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and my mother started interrogating me:

“How could you be so selfish?”
“You didn’t think about the family.”
“I failed as a mother.”

Her anger soon turned to sadness and she was crying, she got on her knees and begged. She was on her knees, crying, holding onto my ankles and begging me to stop.

“If you really love me, you will stop this.”

At that moment I questioned myself, “Are you really doing this, Neha?”, “Your mother is begging and crying, Neha.”

In my heart I knew, I had to choose Allah ﷻ.

So I had to bite the bullet. I took the blame for breaking my mother. I took the label of being selfish and had to put up a strong front in front of my sisters even though all I wanted to do was cry. I was hurt but I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt because to them I chose this. They are right, I chose Allah ﷻ.

A lot more tests came after:

My best friend passed away in April 2023, during my first Ramadhan. Struggling to pray whenever I was out with my sisters or at our family gatherings, feeling like a burden when I politely suggest a Halal place to eat instead, finding creative ways to avoid eating pork and drinking alcohol at home, making excuses to go to classes every week, fasting during Ramadan, going for Eid celebrations, deciding to wear the Hijab and having to wear it down the block far away from mine, hiding my books in my room and so much more that I cannot reveal here.

It was incredibly difficult to balance this double life. But, Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond that it can bear.

"Our Lord! Do not burden us with what we cannot bear."
Quran 2:286

A good friend of mine once shared with me that everything Allah ﷻ does is on a scale of love. Even the painful ones because the tough times drew me closer to Him. “Collateral beauty” is a term I recently read in the book “Healing The Emptiness”. Collateral Beauty is the beauty that surrounds the pain. That beauty is being closer to Allah ﷻ. Feeling His love as I am broken by the Dunya and He calls me to pray, to do dhikr or to serve the community. I’m not alone in my hardship, I have Allah ﷻ.

My favourite ayat in the Quran will always be:

"Verily with hardship comes ease"
Quran 94:5

When I was isolated from my sisters, Allah ﷻ gave me lifelong sahabats (companions).

When I needed a safe place to cry, Allah ﷻ gave me solat (prayer).

When I wanted a job that allowed me to pray Zuhor easily, Allah ﷻ gave me a job that I loved much more than the previous one.

When I wanted to know more about Him, Allah ﷻ guided me to my teacher.

When I felt suffocated from hiding, but too scared to face my father alone, He gave me a companion to shoulder the load with me and soon be the means to let me Hijrah (migrate) to Him.

We do things for the sake of Allah ﷻ, to gain His pleasure and He in return will settle our affairs. He created the hardship in the first place—they are just an excuse for us to come running to Him. To turn to Him and not anyone else. We say La Ilaha Illallah, so we need to prove it.

Climax

Alhamdulillah, things between my mother, sisters and I are better now. We can laugh with one another and they tolerate my boundaries as a Muslim (as much as they can). But things go cold and silent when I brought up my wedding matters. It scared them that the truth needed to come out soon.

I was getting married soon and that meant I needed to tell my father the truth about being Muslim. It was the hardest test of my test thus far and may cause problems within the family. Thus, I may need to leave them so they can heal.

My mother gave me a piece of advice: be brave and go forward. It’s painful to leave my family behind but I trust in Allah that this separation is only temporary.

I think people look at me and think I’m not scared—the truth is I’m shaking.

I was so scared and so lost. I don’t know how to go about doing it in a manner that causes the least hurt to everyone. I am frightened beyond imagination but I know this is a necessary test created by Allah ﷻ. Just like how it was necessary to go through immense heartbreak to receive Hidayah.

He created this test and therefore He will see me through it.

I often look at how Allah ﷻ split the sea for Nabi Musa AS. Nabi Musa AS didn’t know how Allah ﷻ was going to get him out of danger, he just made dua and put his trust in Allah ﷻ. That’s exactly how I am going to do it, I surrendered my affairs to Allah ﷻ.

Sweet Surrender.

I didn’t know how to do it Ya Allah, but You showed me how to do it.

Alhamdulillah, and on 12th June 2025, Allah ﷻ facilitated my Nikah with the presence of my family and loved ones.

“Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.”

La Ilaha Illallah, No One is the Protector except Allah ﷻ.