By Ayman Toh 

My dear respected brethren, I would first like to thank Allah ﷻ, for giving me the opportunity to be able to share my story. Before I start, I would like to make a disclaimer that any good I am about to share comes from Allah ﷻ and any shortcoming comes from myself. May Allah ﷻ pardon me and grant us beneficial knowledge that will bring us success both this world and the hereafter. Ameen ya rabbal alamin.

My name is Toh Kok Siang @ Ayman Toh, a Singapore-born Chinese & I took the Shahadah, on 16 October 2014.  I am very thankful for being a Muslim and for all the things that Allah ﷻ has blessed me with throughout my life. Alhamdulillah, He has blessed me with a beautiful wife and children. My wife and in-laws have been very supportive in everything that I do, especially in my journey in Islam. My family were raised as Buddhists. I have always prayed to Allah ﷻ to open up their hearts and guide them to Islam and eventually my parents also embraced Islam in 2021, Alhamdulillah. Surely, guidance comes only from Allah ﷻ and He guides whomever He wills. Writing this has helped to recollect all the favors Allah ﷻ has showered me with and to share with you some reflections that we could benefit from.

Do Not Judge

To guide a single person to Islam is tremendously virtuous and it is important for the Muslim community to be sensitive and educated in this aspect. In Singapore, there is a widespread misconception that Islam is reserved only for a particular ethnicity. If someone discovers that you are a convert, it is often assumed that you converted out of convenience for marriage and not for the sake of religion. Most of the time, in order to save myself from lengthy explanations, I will just default to agreeing with these preconceived notions. People tend to make baseless judgements. Yet, in Islam we are taught not to judge people at all as the rights to judge belongs solely to Allah ﷻ. Even someone with a body full of  tattoos, if he has sincerely repented and obeys Allah ﷻ , may be a better Muslim than someone who may portray a pious external appearance but disobeys Allah ﷻ.

It is about the private and intimate connection that we have with God. And Allah knows best.

Before I embraced Islam, I attended a function at a local mosque and had to use the bathroom in the mosque. While using the bathroom, I overheard someone reprimanding my friend for allowing a non-Muslim to enter the mosque and to use its facilities and that I should be ushered elsewhere.

Being privy to this conversation made me sad but at the same time, confused. Why couldn’t non-Muslims enter the mosque? Why aren’t non-Muslims allowed to use the facilities therein?

In Islam, we are taught that good ahklaq (etiquettes and mannerisms) is of great importance. Our actions and manners may either bring a non-Muslim closer or further away from Islam. The manner that I was treated above would have made me distant from Islam if not for the Mercy of Allah ﷻ. It is important that we expand our minds when dealing with a non-Muslim. May Allah ﷻ grant us all wisdom and good akhlaq. Oh Allah, make my inward better than my outward and make my outward virtuous!

Purpose

Muslims believe that this life is temporal, and our main purpose here is to prepare ourselves for the hereafter. We strive to gain more knowledge & practice about the religion to prepare for our final return to Allah ﷻ. In conclusion, this life is nothing but a test by Allah ﷻ to determine if we are worthy of His Paradise.

My journey to Islam started when I was in university. My friend, Muhammad Yassin, shared with me videos of a famous Islamic speaker who was trained in comparative religion. We would often meet up to talk about life and religion. I was so intrigued by the Islamic content that instead of studying for exams, I stayed up late at night watching Islamic videos on YouTube. As time went by, I felt my faith growing stronger and a gnawing need to dig further about Islam. I started to “pray” every night, in my own way, in the kitchen asking God to give me guidance and guide me to the true religion.

A few months later, I went to the Muslim’s Converts Association of Singapore (MCAS) to find out more about Islam. My partner, who is now my wife, was very supportive and accompanied me to the classes. I feel that support during this phase of learning and discovery is very important for someone exploring Islam. As we are new to the religion, we need to acquire as much knowledge as we can in order for us to practice properly. We need the support of our family, in-laws and friends around us which I was lucky to get.

Going to MCAS acquainted me with people of different races and backgrounds. All of us had a common goal: to learn more about Islam. I remember the very first class I attended, it was a module called Knowing Islam (KIS). The first words that the teacher conveyed to me was a Hadith Qudsi:

Allah says:

“whoever comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed”.

This deeply struck a chord in my heart and further strengthened my desire to find out more about Islam. And Allah is Most Generous. It was at this time when I met a fellow non-Muslim who, alhamdulillah, has since converted and accepted Islam too. He shared with me something which I still hold close to me to this day. He was sharing that he placed the Quran & another religious scripture in front of him and asked God for guidance. He wanted some sign to convince him of the religion that he should follow. When he opened up the Quran randomly, it landed him on this verse which had convinced him further about Islam:

تِلْكَ ءَايَـٰتُ ٱللَّهِ نَتْلُوهَا عَلَيْكَ بِٱلْحَقِّ ۖ فَبِأَىِّ حَدِيثٍۭ بَعْدَ ٱللَّهِ وَءَايَـٰتِهِۦ يُؤْمِنُونَ

“These are Allah’s revelations which We recite to you (O Prophet) in truth. So what message will they believe in after (denying) Allah and His revelations?”

Quran 45:6

Unsurprisingly, when I went home, I tried the same thing. I put the Quran in front of me and asked two questions: Firstly, I spoke to Allah ﷻ and declared that I already believed in Him and believed that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is the last and final Messenger of Allah ﷻ. I asked Him to give me guidance because I felt lost and I did not know what I was supposed to do next. So I flipped open the Quran randomly, and I chanced upon a verse which mentioned that Allah ﷻ will only give guidance to the believer and He will not give guidance to the non-believer.

At that point of time, I was still confused because I wanted to receive the same verse given to my friend. So I asked the second question, ‘if I were to become a Muslim today, I worry that I wouldn’t be able to fulfill the five obligatory prayers’. I opened up the Quran at random again and landed on this verse:

لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا ٱكْتَسَبَتْ ۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذْنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوْ أَخْطَأْنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَآ إِصْرًۭا كَمَا حَمَلْتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلْنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦ ۖ وَٱعْفُ عَنَّا وَٱغْفِرْ لَنَا وَٱرْحَمْنَآ ۚ أَنتَ مَوْلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرْنَا عَلَى ٱلْقَوْمِ ٱلْكَـٰفِرِينَ

“Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford. All good will be for its own benefit, and all evil will be to its own loss. (The believers pray,) “Our Lord! Do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake. Our Lord! Do not place a burden on us like the one you placed on those before us. Our Lord! Do not burden us with what we cannot bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us. You are our (only) Guardian. So grant us victory over the disbelieving people.””

Quran 2:286

Even though the above verse did answer me, I was still thinking about the verse that my friend received. I thought that my questions were not answered. But as I pondered about the verses I received, I realised that He did in fact answer my questions. This spurred me to learn even more about Islam. As the days went by, as I was gifted with more knowledge about Islam, I was also gifted with the growing conviction and confidence that this is the right religion that I should follow. 

Then came the two dreams

The first dream I had is still vivid in my memory. I dreamt that while I was out with my partner, a group of guys approached and captured my partner and started beating me up. I thought that I was about to die. At that moment in the dream, I was anxious and proclaimed to myself these thoughts: “Oh no, I don’t have time to become a Muslim and I am going to die as a non-Muslim”. SubhanAllah, when I woke up from the dream, I was certain in my heart that Islam was for me.

A few months later, I had a second dream

In this dream, I was walking along a pathway and I saw a group of Muslims walking towards the mosque. They invited me to join them but I told them that I was not a Muslim and I didn’t know how to pray. Their reply was, “No problem, don’t worry, just come and join us”. SubhanAllah. The signs were getting clearer.

The Cemetery Visit

I also decided to ask my friend who introduced me to Islam to bring me to the Muslim cemetery as I was curious on how Muslims were buried. He brought me to Pusara Aman, a local Muslim cemetery, and there was a Muslim who just returned to Allah ﷻ, waiting to be buried. As I understood the Malay language, I could understand what the Imam was saying during the burial ceremony. He spoke about the questions in the grave that everyone will inevitably be asked by the angels of Allah ﷻ:

“WHO IS YOUR LORD?”, “WHAT IS YOUR RELIGION?”, “WHO IS YOUR MESSENGER?”.

It was a humbling moment of self-reflection; will I be able to answer these questions with conviction in my grave?

These questions shook me. You see, it is not a mere regurgitation of answers when that time comes. If one wants to be able to answer that Allah ﷻ is their Lord, that Islam is their religion and that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is their leader, one must live their lives in accordance to those answers. And not only is this religiously truthful, it is fundamentally Newtonian: you only get as much as you give.

I reached a moment of clarity: no more time-wasting for the time of death is uncertain though death is certain. I could not afford to pass away as a non-Muslim and I needed to prepare myself to meet Allah ﷻ. I could not deny all the signs and guidance that He has generously gifted me with anymore. I informed my mom via text that I wanted to take my Shahadah and become a Muslim. My mom broke down. My dad then called me to inquire about the situation. I explained that I wanted to take my Shahadah and alhamdulillah, he gave me the green light and that he would explain to my mom. 

I rang up MCAS immediately and informed the staff over the phone of my immediate intentions to convert. The conversation did not go as I had planned in my head. The staff denied my request to convert immediately but rather, she advised me to complete all the basic classes before deciding on converting. I hung up immediately with sadness and disappointment. I was confused:

Why wouldn’t she allow me to take my Shahadah?

What if I were to pass away without converting?

Then I recalled that Allah ﷻ will test all of us in this world though I never expected that it would come at a time when I wanted to take my Shahadah. Undeterred, I called MCAS again in another attempt to book a date to take my Shahadah, but the same person picked up the phone again and I hung up without a word.

Desperate, I called upon Allah ﷻ, my Lord, al-Mujeeb, the one who answers the prayers of those who beseech Him and place their hopes in Him, asking for Him to grant me permission and ease to book a date to take my Shahadah. I was still worried of rejection but I asked myself, what if I passed away today without taking my Shahadah? I was gifted with courage and picked up the phone again. And Alhamdulillah, this time, another lady over the phone picked up the phone, facilitated my request and guided me to book a conversion date. May Allah bless her kind soul.

And so, I was guided to take my Shahadah on 16 October 2014. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.

My dear respected brothers and sisters, I thank Allah ﷻ for giving me an opportunity to share this with you & I pray that it has been beneficial. I pray that Allah ﷻ eases our affairs, and grants us success in this world and the hereafter. May Allah ﷻ continue to give us guidance in every aspect of our lives and may He allow us to return back to Him in the best way, the way that pleases Him the most. May He grant us beneficial knowledge and wisdom so that we can practise Islam the way He has ordained, the way that pleases Him the most. 

TO MY DEAR RESPECTED BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO ARE STILL LEARNING ABOUT ISLAM, OR ARE INTERESTED IN ISLAM, DO NOT GIVE UP.

Seek help and knowledge from the right people and always default back to the Quran and Hadiths about anything that you have heard to verify if what you have learnt is indeed the truth. Ibn Sirin said, “This knowledge is a matter of religion, so consider from whom you receive your religion.” And to those who are struggling with family or matters with religion, remember that help and support is not far, and the promise of Allah ﷻ is true, “Indeed this, your religion (ummah), is one religion (ummah), and I am your Lord, so worship Me”. Do not give up and always call upon Allah ﷻ. May Allah ﷻ ease all your affairs. 

Finally, I ask that you forgive my shortcomings  and to kindly keep me and my family in your prayers. Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Jazakamullah Khairan. ☺

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