By Zulfikar Bin Abdul Rashid

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem, may this article benefit the one who reads it and open them up to guidance from The Beloved, The Loving one, The Guide that is Allah ﷻ. May Allah ﷻ grant them spiritual openings and paths like it did for the one who wrote it. Amin.

“What made both of you come to this retreat?” – Ustaz Sameer

This was the question posed to us as my wife and I sat with dozens of other attendees during a lesson at the retreat. I was not shocked—not at all. Deep down, I knew this question would come. But what can we really say? What answer can we give that doesn’t sound strange or otherworldly? Qadr (destiny)? Can it truly be explained in words? Somehow, the answer feels just beyond language. If only the heart could speak the words that this mouth cannot utter. The heart has its own language. The heart knows a hundred thousand ways to speak.

As I write down these reflections on our Penang trip, I still hold the view that the trip’s most significant moment—the sweetness of it all—was not during the congregational prayers, mass zikr, intensive lessons, fasting, or the strict schedule (though all of those were MashaAllah, by the way). Those were not the defining factors that made me realise my place in relation to Allah ﷻ. After all, anyone can perform these acts of worship anywhere and anytime, if Allah ﷻ wills it. But why did Allah ﷻ choose to send me on this trip?

Before the trip, there were numerous events and “roadblocks” that I felt were tests from Allah ﷻ. He was testing the sincerity of my intentions. The tests came one after another—financial struggles, a sick family member, a pet’s hospitalization, lack of proper clothing, and even a passport that constantly refused to get renewed. I guess this was the Lord’s way of asking me: Do you really want to go on this trip? How much do you really want this?

Alhamdulillah, had it not been for the kalimah “La Ilaha Illallah,” and the understanding that none of this is ever within my control, I might have felt heedless and lost. Deep within that troubled heart, I felt a sense of happiness knowing that, if these were tests from Allah ﷻ, then surely He is with me! After all, all of this has already been written by the Lord, who only wants the best for us—and why would He ever want to write bad things for His servants? So I did the only thing I was meant to do: I let go and let Him settle all the affairs. I turned to prayer asking Allah ﷻ to purify my intentions and make me into a sincere seeker.

“Surely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find ease.”
Quran 13:28

Over the weeks, with some of the problems resolved and my passport finally renewed in the last few days, we were finally able to board the flight to Penang. So final, after two years of peering at an aging MacBook screen, watching the face of our teacher during classes—like two people stuck in a cave gazing at the light coming through a small hole—we finally met our teacher, Ustaz Sameer, in person. We met at Penang International Airport’s arrival gate on 21 March 2025, at approximately 8:25 PM, together with the rest of the jemaah.

Oddly enough, the meeting didn’t feel strange or new—it felt strangely familiar, despite being our first in-person encounter. I kept wondering: Why does this feel so familiar? It was only later, at the apartment, that it all made sense—and a wave of emotions hit me. I was finally home. This is how it feels to be back. This is how it feels when the soul recognises that it is in the right place. I find myself thinking: Ya Rabb, all this while, You have guided me back Home. You have given me a home for my heart and soul to find rest.

“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving—it doesn’t matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times.
Come, yet again, come, come.”
— Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi

There were many moments during the retreat when I felt so deeply that I do not deserve to be there, and I often had to fight back the urge to cry. What have I done to deserve this? Is this sinner even deserving of this retreat? My deeds and actions are not even deserving of a single moment of this trip. Who am I to be receiving this Mercy and Love from my Lord? Why does my Lord love me so much that He has gifted me this trip? This was the defining moment for me. After everything I have gone through, to be able to be present for this trip itself was the sweetness for me. It made realise and understand that Allah ﷻ has always been witnessing me. He has always been watching me. He has always been with me. Allahu Shahidi, Allahu Naziri, Allahu Ma’i. How can I ever give thanks to the One who looks out for me and fulfils all my needs? Upon tasting this sweetness which lasted through the trip, everything else throughout the retreat flowed easily and felt light—as if Allah ﷻ is moving and guiding me throughout the trip. Everything from wearing the jubah, taking bay’ah to majlis zikr and singing qasidahs, meeting new brothers and sisters, glorifying Allah ﷻ from morning to evening—it flowed like water and I kept drinking happily till the end of the trip.

This is a sweetness I do not want to forget, this is the taste of sweetness that I want to be everlasting. I thank Allah ﷻ for this trip, this gift, this experience, this sweetness. Even my thanks will never suffice for what has been given.

Allah ﷻ has led me back to a Home, a travelling home, a caravan, a place where I can quench my thirst within my heart, mind and soul, from my teacher’s spring of knowledge. What else can I ever ask for?So one might ask: Why did it take two years before meeting your teacher? I already knew from the first Zoom lesson that this is my teacher. So maybe, all this while, for two years, Allah ﷻ has been preparing us to be in the best state before meeting our teacher. And maybe—just maybe—during those two years, Allah ﷻ was also preparing our teacher to be ready to meet and receive us. Just as Allah ﷻ has prepared our homes in the Hereafter, He also prepared a place we can call Home for us in this world. After all, Allah ﷻ is the Best of Planners. So to all the wayfarers out there who have ventured far into the world, the ones who have tasted home and haven’t looked back or longed to return… Come back, even if it’s just for a day. Your home longs to nourish you. And to those who are feeling lost and are still seeking for a home, come. This caravan welcomes you. We are heading to a very good place, and you are welcome to join us.

Assalamualaikum wr wb