By Zafira Ali

To my Nabi ﷺ who was threatened with death, mocked, oppressed, betrayed and was the most tested of the tested, I am sorry that the smallest inconvenience in my path made me question, complain, and turn away. 

To my Nabi ﷺ whose body bore the brunt of hatred. From the filth of animal entrails and blood, whose neck was strangled and wrenched without mercy and who was pelted with stones all for the sake of bringing people to the truth, I am sorry that you put your life at stake to protect and preserve this deen for us, while I cannot even bring myself to exert myself in seeking the knowledge you suffered so much to deliver. 

To my Nabi ﷺ who was overcome with fear when he received his first revelation, I am sorry that while you trembled under the weight of the mission placed upon you, I lived so heedlessly, oblivious to the gravity of the very deen I was born into, the one you gave everything to preserve. 

To my Nabi ﷺ who carefully received the Al-Huda, I am sorry that I have allowed laziness to distance me from the very guidance you carried for us.

To my Nabi ﷺ who was described as an Uswatun Hasanah [33:21] (an all-encompassing role model), I am sorry I followed the people of dunya and placed them on such a high pedestal. 

To my Nabi ﷺ who lost his beloved Sayyidina Khadijah رضي الله عنها ,who stood by you and supported you before she ever saw the Ummah embrace your message; while people, blinded by hatred, called her husband a madman, a sorcerer and a liar. I am sorry that I have not had the courage to do as your beloved did: to stand firmly by the truth, and to gather others towards Al-Haqq in this era. 

To my Nabi ﷺ who met others only with mercy and kindness in your heart, yet you had to deal with people whose words carried venom and an avalanche of hostility, I am sorry that I have so little of the mercy you carried, and that I allow the harshness of others to harden my own heart. 

To my Nabi ﷺ who held in so much anguish for us that the Quran captured: 

1. “Perhaps you will kill yourself with grief over them if they do not believe in this message” [18:16] 

2. “So do not let yourself perish in regret for them. Surely, Allah is All-Knowing of what they do” [35:8] 

3. “And be patient, [O Muhammad], and your patience is not but through Allah. And do not grieve over them and do not be in distress over what they conspire” [16:27] 

I am sorry that I don’t even attempt to carry an atom’s weight of selflessness like you. 

To my Nabi ﷺ , who spent the entire night weeping and worrying for us when you stood for Qiyam-ul-layl until the morning repeating this ayah:

  إِن تُعَذِّبْهُمْ فَإِنَّهُمْ عِبَادُكَ ۖ وَإِن تَغْفِرْ لَهُمْ فَإِنَّكَ أَنتَ الْعَزِيزُ الْحَكِيمُ  

“If You punish them, they belong to You after all. But if You forgive them, You are surely the Almighty, All-Wise.”(5:118). I am sorry that you always sought to seek intercession for us but we never are deserving of that. I am sorry that you spent your nights worrying over an Ummah that had not yet come, while I struggle to worry even for my own akhirah. I am sorry that you sought mercy for us, while I continue to give you so little reason to hope for me. 

To my Nabi ﷺ whose suffering was never in vain, you walked the difficult path, so that we could find guidance in your footsteps. You embodied patience in every affliction of trial, so that we might learn patience. You endured losses after losses, so that we might learn resilience. You carried burdens so that we might learn to trust in Allah. You conquered every trial that came your way , so that we could look up to you as the ultimate model of human excellence. You were the Nur to guide us to the eternal home, Jannah. I am sorry for our inertia, for all that you endured to move us towards Allah, yet how little we have moved. 

To my Nabi ﷺ who carried so much love in his heart for us, calling to Allah, “O Allah! My Ummah, my Ummah,” I am sorry that I so easily let the world occupy my heart and have lived as though this love was something I was entitled to, rather than a love I should spend my life striving to honour, knowing that I could never come close to reciprocating it. 

O Allah, place the love of Your beloved Al-Mustafa صلى الله عليه وسلم in our hearts. 

O Allah, let our remorse become change, and our love become a life lived in his footsteps.

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