By Raychee @ Noor Khadhijah

How is it even possible that one can love someone they have never met?

How is it possible to yearn for the presence of someone I’ve never spoken to?

In this world filled with distrust, my heart searches for warmth and a safe haven. In this rapidly evolving world, I seek comfort in the constant, and in a world where even those closest to us turn their backs on us, you will always extend your hands towards our Lord.

Twenty three years of my life have been spent on a constant rocking boat, stuck in a harsh storm that never seemed to cease. I altered my appearance to feel a grain of significance and worth. I’ve done everything I could to please everyone I’ve crossed paths with even at the cost of my own well-being.

I felt like I was caught in a desert, just like Hajar (R.A.). With nothing in sight. No water, no plants, no form of life. I dragged my feet through the sand, seeking any reason to move forward. But every day was a constant struggle. Every reason felt like a temporary fix. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. It led me down a spiral of destructive behavior. Punishing myself to feel better, to feel like I was doing something right for once. I felt stuck in a never-ending loop. But, a small whisper at the back of my mind began to grow louder. The whispers started with a hint of curiosity but quickly grew into an incessant roar.

People of the past showing me kindness, generosity, and compassion without transactional reason. As the whispers grew louder, I found myself questioning Muslims: “Why is the Prophet ﷺ ﷺ so important?”, “What is halal?”, “Why do you pray five times a day?” My thoughts spiraled, and I found myself going down a deep hole I knew I could never escape. But before I knew it, I listened to the Holy Quran for the first time, and for once, the buzzing in my ears seemed to have disappeared. Allah ﷻ is the best planner. He has the best timing. He watched me and looked out for me. He gifted me the greatest blessing I could ever receive in my life. Sitting in a small room surrounded by my two witnesses, I muttered the words I had longed to say:

“Ashhadu an la ilaha illa-Allah.”

I testify and admit that there is none worthy of worship except Allah.

“Wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan rasul-Allah.”

And I testify that

Muhammad ﷺ is the Messenger of Allah

But, what about the hole that was still there, deep within me? The one I had tried to fill my whole life with the world’s luxuries: Money, fame, power. As if on cue, as I sat down, I felt the weight of the situation finally lifting off my shoulders. The whisper that began from a pique of curiosity as a child grew to a roar when I needed it the most. And now, I understood why our Muhammad ﷺ ﷺ was so loved by everyone, and by Allah ﷻ.

A lump formed in the back of my throat, and tears welled up in my eyes as a wave of relief and gratitude washed over me. I had been lost, but now I was found. You are my beloved shepherd whom Allahﷻ has blessed me with. I had a purpose now, a guiding star to help me navigate through the dark and uncertain terrain of life. I was no longer alone on this journey. I had a shepherd to lean on, to hold my hand and guide me.Ya Habibullah, beloved of Allah. You are my first true love, and now I understand why you are so loved by everyone and our Lord. How can someone that has lived as long ago as you be so deeply loved by so many people of both the past and the present? How can someone that bleeds red like any of us, who eats, talks, and walks like us, fit so much love in his body for all of his ummah? My heart swells with love for you, my shepherd.

Ya harisun ‘alaykum, the most concerned for us. You supplicated for us in every prayer. You cried and weeped when you thought of your ummah.

Even if you had not met us and even if before we had even taken our first breath. Even as you took your last breath, you whispered “Ummati, ummati.” (My people, my people). Your love for us has transcended time and space.

Allah has invited me to your home and now I have come to see you my beloved. As I prostrate my forehead to the same ground you have walked on, I find myself reflecting on why Allah ﷻ has chosen you for us. How can a mere shepherd be so dearly loved by the people? How can your love for your flock go far beyond anything anyone could ever have fathomed?

Oh how I yearn to be in your company, my beloved shepherd. Oh what I would give to be embraced by you and be cloaked by the hands that have built the Islam I know of today. You have done nothing but devote your life to Allah ﷻ and your people. You had no obligation towards the people you have never met, but you continued to love them unconditionally. On the Day of Judgment, you will stand before Allah ﷻ , and you will intercede for us, your flock. You will remind him of our good deeds, our struggles, and our faith. You will plead on our behalf, asking for forgiveness and mercy. You will use your status and your love for us to seek the best for us. You will be the only one who will be concerned for us.

The love you had for us was unparalleled, and it left an indelible mark on our hearts. Despite the passage of time and the distance that separates us, we can still feel the warmth of your love and the guidance of your teachings. I am overcome with a sense of awe and gratitude.

You were not just a prophet, but a shepherd, a role model, and a father to us all.