By Syazana Binte Abdul Malik

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said,

“Regret is part of repentance, and one who truly repents is like one without sin.”
Ṭabarānī

A year ago, if you told me I’d be where I was today I wouldn’t have believed you. However, by the divine mercy of Allah ﷻ, He has guided me and helped me to share this with you.

There was a time last year where I thought I had it all and I recalled thinking to myself “This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.” I had a stable career, a relationship I thought was heading somewhere and friends I thought were good for me.

Do you notice what was missing in the equation?

I WAS LIVING A LIFE THAT WAS HEEDLESS, WITHOUT ATTRIBUTING MY ACHIEVEMENTS TO THE ONE WHO GAVE IT TO ME. THINKING ABOUT IT NOW SCARES ME AND I PRAY ALLAH ﷻ KEEPS US PROTECTED FROM A LIFE OF HEEDLESSNESS.

I still remember it vividly. It was a Monday morning in July last year when my Mom frantically called to say my grandad needed to be rushed to the emergency ward because the doctor detected that his heartbeat was irregular.

It came as a shock to us and especially for me to digest this because just the day before, we took him to West Coast Park for a walk and he seemed perfectly fine. My grandad’s condition slowly deteriorated and we knew that his days were numbered. Then came September with devastating news that the trust I had in my relationship was thrown out the window. Accepting that my grandad’s days were numbered and having my heart broken completely shattered me.

I recalled asking Allah ﷻ after prayers “Is there something you’re teaching me?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why does it feel like everything is falling apart at the same time?”

Not long after that, my grandad passed on but I was blessed to have been given the opportunity to be next to him as he took his last breath. The image of his breath slowing down and how it gently came to a stop is still etched in my mind as it serves as a beautiful reminder of how merciful my Lord is to have granted him such a beautiful passing.

Going through grief and heartbreak simultaneously were two of the most excruciatingly painful experiences I’ve had to go through so far. But these became essential ingredients to be guided back to Him.

Fast forward to Ramadan in March 2023, the first Ramadan without my grandad. The house felt bigger and emptier even though we were only missing the presence of one. The void I felt in his absence transcended into my heart and I felt this gaping hole needed to be filled with something. With what, I had no idea exactly.

I didn’t expect myself to still feel grief because it had been six months since he passed and I thought that I was in a better place. Life caught up immediately after my grandad passed in September 2022 and I was primarily busy with work so subconsciously, I compartmentalized a lot of my grief and never actually processed it. Ramadan was also the time where I had ample time to sit with my thoughts, emotions, feelings and my grief. It was a month that forced me to slow down, even deprioritizing work and this made way for me to feel the huge emptiness in my house and my heart.

It’s hard to describe how grief feels because it comes in waves and some waves catch you by surprise. I could be looking at the stairs and realizing that he wasn’t going to come out of his room and walk downstairs anymore. I could be eating his favorite food and realizing that my eyes were engulfed in tears next. All I knew was that I felt this heart wrenching pain and I knew deep down that nothing could help except the One who created the pain I felt in my heart. However, the problem was that I wasn’t even sure how to start asking Him for help because I felt unworthy and filthy from the sins I’ve committed.

As a born Muslim, I grew up eventually feeling like Islam was rigid. I couldn’t grasp why we were restricted from certain things and I had this concept ingrained in my head that sinning would mean we’d end up in the pits of hell. Astaghfirullah…

HENCE, I’VE FALTERED HERE AND THERE. I WAS ALSO ENCHANTED BY WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE SHOULD’VE BEEN BUT IN REALITY, MY SOUL WAS BEING TRAPPED AND SOLD TO THE LIES THE DUNYA WERE SELLING.

I remembered waking up during one of the nights in Ramadan and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I read up on how to repent properly to Allah ﷻ and then I laid my prayer mat on the floor to perform Solat Taubah. When my forehead landed on the ground and I read Sayyidul Istighfar, the next thing I knew my prayer mat was filled with tears. That night, I begged really hard to Allah ﷻ to help me find solace and to find remedy for this heart of mine. He heard my woes, all of it, even the ones that I considered were a passing thought in my head.

In desperation, I pleaded for His help and for Him to heal every part of me that felt broken. I prayed for Allah ﷻ to help me turn over a new leaf and to bring me back to Him. I promised that I’d leave my old life behind and this Ramadan was the start of a new chapter in my life with Him in my heart.

I asked Allah ﷻ to grant me the type of love that won’t leave me broken and He replaced the love of people with the love of Him. SubhanAllah, there is no better sweetness than this.

Everything else was gifted to me rather quickly and Allah ﷻ eased the path for me to find Him again. He gave me a teacher not long after Ramadan, which is Ustaz Sameer. He gave me a community that came along with it and people who reminded me of Him. He gave me so much more than what I’d ever have imagined within the past year.

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Allah said: If My slave draws close to Me by a hand-span, I shall draw close to him by a cubit, and if he draws close to Me by a cubit, I shall draw close to him by an outstretched arm span, and if he draws close to Me by an outstretched arm span, I shall hasten towards him.

It feels as though Allah ﷻ has been giving me warm hugs consecutively and I really felt this sense of relief and that my brokenness was acknowledged by Him. This experience has been transformative in many ways and I can actually feel my heart soften and I am more aware of Allah’s ﷻ presence in every bit of my life. I’m not proud of the sins and mistakes that I have made but through them I know how it feels to sin and repent, to understand just how merciful and kind my Lord is.

LOOKING BACK AT THE PAIN I FELT, IT WAS NECESSARY AND CRUCIAL BECAUSE YOU CANNOT FIND ALLAH ﷻ WITHOUT HARDSHIP. ALLAH BREAKS HEARTS TO LET HIS LIGHT IN AND IF HE DOESN’T, HOW WILL WE THEN TRULY FEEL HIS LIGHT?

This dunya will also break you repeatedly to the point where trusting Him and His plan is the only way you can find peace. Don’t let your heart get attached to this temporary place, because at the end of the day it’s just you and Allah ﷻ.

As ‘born Muslims’, we must go through our own conversion experience. Find the sweetness in Islam for yourself, fall in love with the beauty of its principles and gain a personal connection with Allah ﷻ. It means rewiring your perception of Allah ﷻ. It means understanding that He doesn’t define you by your mistakes but by your successes. He doesn’t label you by your sins but by the good that you’ve done. He doesn’t count the number of times you fell but by the times you got back. Allah ﷻ is always by your side. “Your lord hasn’t abandoned you.” [93:3]

Allah ﷻ was never far from me but I didn’t know that. Truly, He found me lost and guided me. [93:7]