By Amni Yazmeen Binti Ahmad Yari

“Who is Allah to you?”

I remember Aisha, my best friend and sister-in-faith, asking me that very question after my first majlis—a Friday class—nearly a month ago. I remember going silent for a while, staring up into the night sky. At a loss, I was hoping to find an answer written among the stars, but all I found was wordless comfort. My heart swells with love when I hear His Name and I could sing praises for Him all day without prompt. Yet, why do I struggle to respond to such a simple question? I guess, frankly, I don’t think any combination of the English vocabulary could do much justice to describe my relationship with The Exalted One.

But a story might.

The journey to better one’s situation is never easy. In my case, I seek betterment through education which—in my chosen field—has asked me to assimilate myself into the communities of foreign lands. Between tedious paperwork, uncooperative third-party entities, and the excruciating wait, I have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders for some time now. On top of that, I often worry I would lose myself between the cracks of unfamiliarity when abroad. Suspended in a precarious state, susceptibility to negativity and its many synonyms is a given. Moments of weakness are abundant, and doubtful questioning of purpose aplenty. The addled mind would ask, “Why am I doing this? What does it mean for me to be better? Who would care if I did become better? Who will save me from myself?”

Months of emotional dogpiling have devoid life of sense until one night, during a routine silent meditation post-class, I heard my heartbeat whisper, “Allah.”

Life changes with the ebb and flow of time, but Allah ﷻ has always been my constant. Through Istighfar and varying acts of remembrance, Allah ﷻ has become my spiritual refuge from the cruelty of the physical world. It was not always like this, though. Islam is my birthright, and yet, I did not understand the need to practise religion when I was younger. I had brushed it off as another ritualistic religion of old even when I knew that, deep in my heart, that was not the case. Syaitan comes in the most attractive of forms—the promise of fame, money, and even mere friends. That was six years ago. Now, I cannot live without Islam, and I feel a peace that can only be imagined before. Unbelievable how, despite the constant transgressions throughout my formative years, Allah ﷻ still beckons me to come back to Him through kind yet firm messages only I can understand. Truly, He is The Most Merciful. SubhanAllah.

Recently, I was reminded of the purpose of Islam––a way of life. A protective measure against the ephemeral world’s darkness. I used to think I possess the blueprint of life until I am tossed into a predicament where both the mind and the heart are unreliable.

BEFORE REDISCOVERING ISLAM, I WOULD CURSE THE UNIVERSE AND ITS OCCUPANTS WHEN MET WITH A SMALL INCONVENIENCE.

Now, even when struggle strips me of humanistic sensibility, I still have Islam and Allah ﷻ to set things right. That is why I started coming to class in the first place: to get even closer to my Lord in a familiar space while I still can. Being away from home will put me through the wringer but, with the knowledge that I have now, I know I can depend on Allah ﷻ to ease me out of a problem. There is no one else who can after all. He knows my struggles best, and there is no shame in admitting that I need Him.

I want to be better for Allah ﷻ.

I still feel burdened by the process of uprooting myself from the familiar. However, the process does not seem as difficult as it once was. It is easy to find comfort in the discomforting, knowing Allah ﷻ is always watching over me.

TODAY, WHENEVER THE WEIGHT GETS UNBEARABLE, I, MY BODY, HEART, AND SOUL—TURN TO HIM. WHEN I ACHIEVE SUCCESS, NO MATTER HOW MINUTE, I TURN TO HIM. WHEN THE WORLD HAS LEFT ME DEFEATED AND DEFENCELESS, I TURN TO HIM.

On the prayer mat donned in white, an overwhelming sense of gratitude washes over me knowing that I can place such unwavering trust in my Maker. For Him, all this struggling is worth it.

I pray that when I depart from my old life in September, I will not depart from Allah ﷻ, too.

“An-Nur and Al-Hadiy; that is who He is to me.”

Do You Believe in One God
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